This is it. Kick-off time. I feel as if it is a now or never sort of situation. I am “of an age” and time is short. Monday is only hours away. I ate too many things I shouldn’t have in preparation for the Monday detox day. Now I’m deciding exactly what tomorrow is going to be.

I could start with the lemonade detox fast: just the lemonade and distilled water for a few days. A week to ten days is supposed to make a huge difference. I bought some Oxylife Detox, MSM Liquid with Oxygen and silica; 1/2 oz. when I awaken and before I go to sleep. I have some Crystal Star Parasite Destroyer and Swiss Kriss tablets. I have a masticating juicer to bring on the vegetable juice after a few days of Lemonade Detox and water. I know that coffee enemas would help my liver to deal with all of this but the idea of it is difficult for me to overcome.

I think some gentle Yoga, the Five Tibetan Rites; each done only as many times as are comfortable for me, some deep breathing exercises with a few resistance moves and perhaps some cycling and walking, will be more than enough to get my body in motion again.

I am losing 51 pounds. I have done this before. Back when I lost the more than eighty pounds I had gained during the fourteen years I had spent having a baby every couple of years I started out with the Zone diet and a tiny exercise program: I knew with certainty that I could touch my toes ten times each day. I didn’t know if I could do much more than that. It was a start, I was moving my body. I walked about a block and became afraid I could not make it back home without a lot of pain. My legs hurt and I was breathing hard on the first tiny hill. It was a start…

I am not there anymore, but I am also not up at 4:00 A.M. each morning, heading for the gym to do a cycling class (spinning) and an hour of weight lifting as I learned to do by the following year. Even just a bit over two years ago I was still in the gym almost everyday or out for a jog plus sprint or fast walk. I've since moved to another state, fallen out of my gym routine, and now I can’t seem to drag myself out of bed to have breakfast with the kids at 6:30 A.M. before school. In fact, the whole getting out of bed or out of the house for even the shortest walk feels too strenuous. I’m really hiding out in my house and it shows. I don’t want the neighbors or anyone else to see the "fat" me. I can't believe I let myself slide this far.

I was recently diagnosed with RA, Rheumatoid Arthritis,and I have noticed that certain foods leave me bed-ridden with pain. I seem intolerant of some of my favorite foods. Cheese, cream, and dairy in general causes a reaction in less than an hour. RA is supposed to be helped by movement, but I find myself not wanting to move at all. The pain is only part of it, I also feel too tired. It is a downward spiral, a cat chasing its tail, and I MUST break out.

My husband tells me I am sexy and beautiful, but I feel like a girl whose mom is the only one who tells her she is gorgeous. I keep thinking that he is fooled into believing I’m beautiful because he loves me, which is wonderful, but I would also like to believe that he is not the only one able to see me this way. I feel as if I’ve stepped into the Shallow Hal movie.

While I believe that Shallow Hal had a beautiful message and ending, I didn’t see Gwyneth Paltrove giving up her trainer or diets to be loved as she might be if the baby weight she had gained during her last pregnancy had not been whisked vigorously away by strenuous effort and the motivation that being followed by Star and People paparazzi provides. I also find it a stretch to believe that the public or any Hollywood producers would be able to see her inner beauty well enough to give her many leading roles if she kept an extra fifty pounds (not to mention the Rosemarie character's extra two hundred pounds) on her frame. “Character” roles certainly; but not leading lady or love interest roles.

Now, back to the plan…

Lemonade fast for at least three days: Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and supplementation with carrot and other juices made fresh from organic produce. I have loads of spinach and baby greens to juice or eat this week. I’d have to eat twenty cups of spinach to equal the carbohydrate and calorie power of one fourth of a plain bagel. Don't even whisper: cream cheese.

Weigh-in in the morning!

Starting, How Do I Start?

BE SLENDER
Since it is Wednesday, I find it difficult to start. Don't diets start on Monday? Every time I have eaten too much on a weekend, I have told myself it is okay because I'm starting my diet on Monday. The only time I didn't say this was when I went to a luxurious brunch in San Francisco and my friend, a nurse, had brought a big box of laxative gum to take after the meal. She had worked with anorexics and learned their skinny secrets. A box of laxatives rushes the food through, saving a few hundred calories from their thighs. It worked and did it a few more times until after eating a huge meal I mixed water pills and laxatives hoping for an even better result. My fingernails and toenails turned yellow. I just missed becoming a liver failure statistic. I wanted to still fit into my clothes the next day, not attend my own funeral.
I'm drinking a bottle of diet lemon aid that I just mixed. I could use it to kick start things with a fast.
BE SLENDER Detox Lemonade Recipe:
64 oz distilled water
2 or 3 drops of liquid Cayenne
Juice from 1 or 2 organic lemons
2 packets of stevia sweetener or 1 tablespoon of organic, grade "B" maple syrup
Shake it up and drink it all day. Add a tea bag of organic dandelion root to the container of Lemon Aid and you can lose up to five pounds of water weight if you are retaining water.

If you have been eating a lot of junk foods, you can be certain there is plenty of water retention going on. 64 oz. of drink can cause you to drop five pounds of water bloat within 24 hours.
I am determined to get my weight down. An ancient proverb says that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I'M READY! I know this fifty or so pounds I've gained is not all water weight.

April 29, 2008

I believe 134 LBS is the correct weight for my 5'7-1/2" body because I looked well and weighed a little less than this during my twenties. According to the BMI calculations, at 134 lbs. my BMI is 21 at that weight, which is healthy for my height.

I am like most other weight watching Americans. I can ignore the upward creep of my weight until I’m no longer able to delude myself into believing that I still look okay. Too many photographs seem to have been taken at an extremely unflattering angle and there are other certain signals…

As a woman, to know if denial has set in, the first litmus test for the “Am I too fat?” query, is to ask:

· When was the last time I was whistled at?

Another is:

· Are men are taking a second glance at me as I pass them to see what my rear view is?

My answers:

· Last whistle was May 2006,

· last “second look” also May 2006.

The truth:

· Men are not interested anymore. I must be fat. This may sound crude and shallow, but it is the truth.

Women like to be noticed, maybe not as potential rape victims, but just noticed, even admired a little. I’m normal and have, as Audrey Hepburn put it, “normal feminine vanity”. At anything over 155 lbs, I become absolutely invisible. The nice hair, lovely bosom, and pleasant face are also invisible. It's amazing but true, and I don't like it. When I am eighty years old, if cosmetic surgery can't make a dent in my looks, I will have to give in to being invisible, but not now, not yet, and not just because I want to eat too much or devour the wrong things! I’m not truly OLD yet, although that may be another subject for discussions on denial at some point.

Anyway, Today I have decided to delude myself no more. A before picture can be great inspiration. I would like to remain somewhat anonymous for a while, because this is extremely embarrassing for me and I am keeping this blog more to keep myself accountable and as a record of my progress.